If you want to create the life and career success you want and deserve you have to become a great conversationalist.  There are no two ways about it.

Effective communication, especially conversation, is an up close and personal endeavor.  All of the great communicators I know are great conversationalists.  As with most things, I have one great piece of common sense advice on how to become a great conversationalist.  Listen more than you speak. When I am in a conversation, I try to spend about one third of my time speaking and two thirds listening.  I have found that this ratio works well for me.

Most people like to talk about themselves.  The best way to get people speaking about themselves is to ask a lot of questions.  When you meet people for the first time, ask “get to know you” questions.  You know the kind of questions I’m talking about here.  “What do you do?”  “Where do you live?”  “Are you married?”  “Do you have children?”

Listen to the answers and file away this information for future use.  The other day I called on an old client.  Prior to going to see him, I spent time thinking about what I knew about him from our previous conversations.  Here’s what I remembered.  We know several people in common.  His son is a music major at Ithaca College.  His company was recently acquired.

I prepared myself for our meeting by coming up with four questions.  1) How is your son doing at Ithaca?  2) Have you spoken to Jo (our mutual acquaintance) lately?  3) I saw Tom (another mutual acquaintance) the other day, have you spoken to him recently?  4) How are things going with your new company?

By asking these questions, listening, and adding follow up comments and/or questions, I was able to keep things moving for an hour.  At the end of that time, I was in a good position to ask the two questions that were my main reason for the conversation.  “How are things going with your team?  How can I help you?”  This was a sales call, after all.

My friend Debra Fine, author of the bestseller The Fine Art of Small Talk calls this “going deeper.”  A couple of years ago, I interviewed her on my internet talk radio show.   Here is what she had to say.

“Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.  When you say to someone ‘How’s work?’ they’re going to say ‘pretty good’ or ‘good’ or ‘great’ or whatever.  Dig in deeper, let them know you’re sincere with one more question, Say something like, ‘So, what’s been going on with work, Bud, since the last time we talked?’ Or if you say to somebody ‘how were your holidays,’ and they say ‘great,’ you can follow up by saying, ‘What did you do over the holidays that you enjoyed the most?’”  Let them know you are sincere.

“We say to our friends, ‘How are you Bud?’  If you give a one word answer like ‘great,’ I’ve got to follow up with something like ‘Bud, bring me up to date – what’s been going on in your life since the last time I saw you?’  Now you know that I really want to know how you are, otherwise ‘how are you’ will end up meaning ‘hello.’  That’s all it means.

“By the same token you don’t want to become what I can an ‘FBI agent.’ That’s why one follow up question is important, but no more after that.  “

Debra makes some great points about the power of questions in conversation.  The key here is to ask questions, listen to what people have to say and respond appropriately.  Then file away what you’ve learned.  I recommend writing it down so you won’t forget.  Review what you know about a person prior to visiting with him or her.  This will help you prepare for the conversation by choosing the questions you want to ask.

Listening is the way to take advantage of the questions you ask.  Dr. Joyce Brothers provides some great career advice when it comes to listening.

“Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.”

She’s right!

When you really listen to someone, really listen, giving him or her your complete and undivided attention, you are showing that you care about him or her as a human being.  What could be more flattering?

The US Department of Labor suggests several reasons for developing your listening skills.  Developing your listening skills will help you:

• Better understand assignments and what is expected of you.
• Build rapport with co-workers, bosses and customers.
• Show support for others.
• Work better in a team based environment.
• Resolve problem with co-workers, bosses and customers.
• Answer questions completely.
• Find the underlying meaning in what others say.

There are some generally accepted ideas about what it takes to be a good listener:

• Maintain eye contact with the person with whom you are speaking.
• Don’t interrupt – except to ask a clarification question.
• Use non verbal cues – nod your heard, lean toward the other person, sit still – that indicate you are listening.
• Repeat what the other person says – to be sure you understand, and to get clarification.

I have a worked out a listening to speaking ratio for effective conversations.  Listen two thirds of the time.  Speak one third of the time.  In this way, you are giving the other person more time to share his or her thoughts and ideas with you.  You will be flattering him or her by your willingness to listen.

Listening is more than just not talking.  To listen well, you need to mentally engage with the other person.  You need to focus on what he or she is saying, and you need to respond in a manner that indicates that you are paying attention.

You should listen the most diligently when you find yourself disagreeing with what the other person is saying.  It’s easy to tune out someone with whom you disagree.  When you really listen to what he or she has to say, you are not only demonstrating respect for his or her as a person, you put yourself in a position to learn something new.

The people who host many of the television political talk shows are terrible listeners.  They invite people who hold opposing views to be on their show.  They ask provocative questions.  And then begin to argue with their guest as soon as he or she begins speaking.  This may be good TV, but it is a poor example of how to truly listen and engage with another person.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people have well developed communication skills.  They are good conversationalists.  They write clearly and succinctly.  They present well.  If you want to become a good conversationalist, you need to learn to listen well.  Focus your attention on the other person, pay attention to what he or she says.  Respond appropriately.  Listen more than you speak.  Show people that you value them and what they have to say.

That’s my career advice on conversation and listening.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb

I was in New York yesterday where it was hard to escape the Super Bowl hype.  They had a great parade for the Giants.  As I reflected on the game and comments I heard from the Giants players and coaches after the game.  Most of them focused on the fact that the Giants are a very tight team.

There is some common sense career success advice here.  High performing organizations need people with good teamwork skills.  In today’s world, very little gets done without teamwork.  In honor of the Giants’ Super Bowl win and their team approach to football, I’ve put together a list of 21 characteristics of great team players.  How many are true of you?

21 Characteristics of Great Team Players

I have found that great team players have a lot in common.  Here are 21 characteristics of all great team players.  How many of them are true of you?

1. Technical Competence – You have to be good at what you do if you’re going to be able to contribute to a team.  Master your technical discipline.
2. Sharing Orientation – Be willing to share your knowledge, expertise and ideas.  The old saying, “Knowledge is power” is true only is you are willing to share what you know with your teammates.
3. Good Interpersonal Skills – You have to be good at building relationships if you want to be a great team player.  To build strong relationships think of the team and others first.  Ask yourself what you can do for the team and its members – not what they can do for you.
4. Responsible – Do your part.  Great team players do what they say they’ll do.  They contribute.  They ask for help only when they have exhausted all of their resources.
5. Positive – Stay up beat, even when your team is under the gun.  Visualize the thrill of success, not the pain of failure.  Help your teammates see the positive in the most difficult of circumstances.
6. Care About Stakeholders – Most teams have some external stakeholders who are depending on them.  Make sure that you understand what each of your team’s stakeholders want and need.  Do you meet to meet their needs.
7. Welcome and Use Feedback – Listen to your teammates.  Welcome their feedback on your participation.  Use what you learn.
8. Meet Commitments – Do what you need to do to help your team succeed.  If you can’t meet a commitment, let your teammates know right away.
9. Honest – Everybody wants to work with people of integrity.  Be honest with yourself and your teammates.
10. Initiative – Help the team move forward.  Make suggestions, think of new and different ways to accomplish the team’s goals.  Be willing to take the lead/
11. Trusting – Believe that your teammates want the team to succeed.  Trust them.  If you don’t understand why they did something, engage them in conversation.
12. Trustworthy – Keep confidences, do what you say you’ll do, put the goals of the team first.
13. Consensus Builder – Actively work to find solutions that meet the needs of all team members and stakeholders.  Use compromise as a last resort.
14. Own Team Problems – Take personal responsibility for the team’s success.  If everyone does this, the team is bound to succeed.
15. Empathy – See things through the eyes of your team members.  Do your best to understand their points of view.
16. Respect Others –You can disagree with a person’s ideas without demeaning him or her personally.  Respect the dignity of every human being on your team.
17. Resolve Conflict Positively — Look for positive ways to resolve conflict.  Find small points of agreement in disagreements.  Find creative solutions to disagreements that satisfy everybody.
18. Focus on Task and Process – Pay attention to not only what the team does, but how it does it.  If you find the team getting bogged down, make suggestions on how to get past the bottleneck.
19. Humble – Take your share of the credit, but remember you’re part of a team.  Give credit to others where it is due.
20. Supportive – Be there for your teammates.  Help them succeed so the team can succeed.  Share your knowledge and wisdom to help others grow and succeed.
21. Flexible – This is the most important characteristic of all.  Be willing to suspend your point of view to learn about what others think.  Be open to changing your mind.

The career success coach point her is simple common sense.  Branding yourself as a team player can help you create the life and career success you deserve.  If you listened to their post-game comments, the New York Giants — who won the Super Bowl on Sunday –  are a group of team oriented guys.  Teamwork is as important in business as it is on the football field.  Teamwork requires flexibility.  Flexibility requires that you be willing to suspend your point of view to learn about what others think.  Be open to changing your mind.  Be a great team player.  Be flexible.

That’s the career advice I found in the New York Giants Super Bowl victory.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  After all, we’re all on the same team here.  This blog is about helping all of us create the life and career success we all deserve.  Comments encourage discussion.  Discussion facilitates teamwork and career success.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I appreciate you for being on my team.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb.

I was visiting with a client last week.  We were discussing political debates and attack ads. She felt that nastiness is a sign of the times.  She was lamenting the fact that we are not as civil to one another as we once were.  I agree.  Today, it can seem like being polite and mannerly is a thing of the past.  That’s the bad news.

The good news is that you can brand yourself as a polished professional by being polite and mannerly.   Tweet 73 in my career success book, Success Tweets says, “Be gracious.  Know and follow the basic rules of etiquette.  Everybody likes to be around polite and mannerly people.”

A couple of years ago, I published a book called Straight Talk for Success.  A few months after it came out, I received an email from a young guy named Jim whose boss had given him a copy of Straight Talk.  In part, here’s what it said…

Bud:

I read your book Straight Talk for Success, excellent.  You are indeed the common sense guy!  I have learned a ton from reading that book from how to brand myself, to dinner etiquette (glass on the right, bread dish on the left, outside-in with utensils).  Truly found your book easy to read and loved it…

I am 27 and feel like a sponge for all this information.

Just wanted to thank you for your words of wisdom and for writing about some of the unwritten rules in business.

That was great.  I always like to receive positive feedback on what I write.  However, I was gratified that by sending me an email, Jim was putting to work some of my advice on creating positive personal impact.  He showed me that he is a guy who understands the basics of etiquette.

Have you ever sent an email to an author thanking him for what he’s written?  Did you get a response?  Please leave a comment sharing your experience – positive or negative – with us.

Here’s a personal story about this.  A couple of years ago, I was in the New York City area.  When I’m there I listen to Q 104.3, the classic rock station.  Maria Milito was on as I was driving to the airport.  She played a great set.  When I got to the airport, I logged on to the Q104.3 site and sent her an email telling her I enjoyed her show.  I got a response from her in less than a half hour – big time New York DJ responds directly to an email from a listener.  Everybody likes positive feedback – trust me on this career advice.

Back to Jim’s email to me — sending a thank you note to someone who has done something for you is common sense and proper etiquette.  Sending a note to a stranger whose book you read and enjoyed is even better.  By doing so, Jim branded himself (in my mind at least) as an interpersonally competent guy, a polished professional, someone who is business savvy.

There is no difference between business etiquette and social etiquette.  Well mannered people always focus on making other people feel comfortable and appreciated – whether in a business or social setting.

As Jim points out when he mentioned business dining etiquette, there are some rules to follow.  But the rules only make it easier to concentrate on the conversation instead of worrying about making a social gaffe.  Most people will overlook minor faux pas if you are truly gracious.  It is a good idea to brush up on dining etiquette before important business lunches or dinners and interviews.

Sharon Hill is a friend and etiquette consultant.  She once told me a story of a young man who lost a sales job because he didn’t know how to properly eat a foil-wrapped baked potato.  Do you know how to eat a foil-wrapped baked potato properly?  I’ll send the eBook version of Straight Talk for Success to the first person who responds with the correct answer to this question.

Personally, I think the baked potato story is a sad one – for the young man and his potential boss.  Not knowing a minor point of dining etiquette shouldn’t disqualify an otherwise qualified candidate from a job offer.  If that’s the candidate’s only flaw, he can learn that lesson once and be on his way to his career success.  However, in this case the hiring manager saw it as a deal breaker – and he had the ultimate say-so.

When it comes to manners and etiquette there is an old saying…

Those who know, know.  Those who don’t know, don’t know.  Those who know, always know those who don’t know.

Think about it.  Take the advice of this career success coach.  Learn and follow the basic rules of etiquette – especially dining etiquette.  You’ll look polished.  You’ll present well.  More important, you won’t have to worry about the rules when you’re in a social situation.  You’ll be able to concentrate on the conversation – which is the important reason for any business meal

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people brand themselves as polished professionals. They create positive personal impact.  You can create positive personal impact by becoming known as a gracious person.  Follow the career advice in Tweet 73 in Success Tweets.  “Be gracious.  Know and follow the basic rules of etiquette.  Everybody likes to be around polite and mannerly people.”  Small things – like saying “please” and “thank you,” smiling at others, taking a second to hold a door for someone who has an arm-full of packages, allowing someone to cut in front of you in traffic – are the marks of gracious people.  A strong personal brand also helps create positive impact.  If you build your personal brand on gracious and ethical behavior, you will be well on your way to your life and career success.

That’s my career advice on being gracious, polite and mannerly.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb/

This is not a post Super Bowl blog post.  You’ve probably seen enough of those. The giants won by the way.

Instead today’s post covers some great career success advice from one of my frineds. Chrissy Scivicque is the coauthor of my book Success Tweets for Administrative Professionals.  She runs a great site called Eat your Career: Helping You Create a Nourishing Professional Life.  I check in with her site regularly – so should you.

The other day, Chrissy posted a very interesting article: “4 Reasons to Love the Boss You Hate.”  In this article she shows how learning how to deal with a tough boss — while painful in the short term – can have long term career success benefits.

Chrissy is a pal.  She lets me repost her articles here.  This is one you really want to check out…

4 Reasons to Love the Boss You Hate
Chrissy Scivicque

I’m not a big fan of the word “hate” but let me be honest: I’ve definitely felt some very, VERY strong negativity toward a few of my superiors in the past. Hey, I’m only human. This is probably one of the most common challenges I hear from professionals.

Working for someone you don’t like is the absolute worst. And yet, it can be a great learning experience if you approach it with the right attitude.

Here are 4 reasons you should love that boss you hate:

1. Personal Insight

You can actually learn a lot about yourself in a situation like this. Consider the following questions:

• Why does this person get under your skin?
• What values are being stepped on here?
• How are you possibly contributing to the situation? (Ouch! Don’t skip this question; it will give you amazing insight.)
• What do you really want from a boss? Are you, perhaps, expecting too much?
• What kind of leader would YOU be?

2. Practice

Look, the business world is full of jerks. Consider this great practice for the future. You’re exercising patience and your ability to not take things personally. With practice, it gets easier.

3. Future Wisdom

After working for someone with whom you don’t click, you’ll be on the lookout for a better match in the future. Next time you’re interviewing for a new position, you’ll be more aware of the impact a supervisor has, and you’ll have more understanding of what you want in a boss. Perhaps you’ll see red flags you might have missed before.

4. Opportunity

I know this sounds a little nutty, but that jerk of a boss is giving you a great opportunity. You have the chance to adapt, to implement new strategies and, ultimately, build a bridge in some fashion. It might never be the perfect relationship, but there’s always a chance you can improve things. So don’t give up! Look for openings to strengthen your partnership. Use your relationship building skills and develop new ones. There is room for growth here.

Chrissy is right on here.  I’ve had my share of bad bosses over the years and I’ve learned that a bad boss can be a blessing in disguise.  As Chrissy points out, bad bosses provide great learning opportunities.  Learning how to work well with a difficult boss will help you learn how to deal with all sorts of difficult people.

Tweet 133 in my career advice book Success Tweets says, “Resolve conflict positively.  Treat conflict as an opportunity to strengthen, not destroy, the relationships you’ve worked hard to build.”  In other words, when you’re dealing with a difficult boss, look for ways to manage your conversations in a way that will enhance your relationship with him or her.

Successful people resolve conflict in a positive manner.  No matter how interpersonally competent, or how easy-going you are, you will inevitably find yourself in conflict.  This is especially true if you have a difficult boss.

I know a little bit about conflict resolution.  It was the topic of my dissertation at Harvard.  Way back in the 1970’s, Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed an instrument to measure a person’s tendencies when in a conflict situation.

They came up with five predominant conflict styles: Competing, Collaborating, Compromising, Accommodating and Avoiding.  Their research suggests that all five are appropriate depending on the situation.

As a career success coach however, I have found that the Collaborating style is the best default mode – and is especially good for dealing with a tough boss.  When you collaborate you’re your boss to resolve your differences, you are focused on meeting both your needs and his or her needs.  I like this style because it helps you bring together a variety of viewpoints to get the best solution.

When you collaborate, neither you nor your boss will be likely to feel as if one of you won and one of you lost.  Also, collaborating with a tough boss creates the opportunity for you to work together to build a solution that best addresses both of your concerns.  It’s a win-win.

When you have a tough boss focus on your similarities, not your differences.  This will help you create a bond that gets you through your conflicts, but helps strengthen your relationship.  And a good relationship with your boss is important to your life and career success.

This may sound counter-intuitive.  By definition, conflict is a state of disagreement.  But try it out.  When you’re in conflict with someone – especially your boss – focus on where you agree with him or her, instead of on where you disagree.

Look for any small point of agreement and then try to build on it.  I find that it is easier to reach a larger agreement when I build from a point of small agreement, rather than attempting to tear down the other person’s points with which I don’t agree.

Most people don’t do this.  They get caught up in proving their point.  They hold on to it more strongly when someone else attacks it.  If you turn around the discussion and say, “Let’s focus where we agree, and see if we can build something from there,” you are making the situation less personal.  Now the two of you are working together to figure out a mutually agreeable solution to your disagreement.  You’re not tearing down one another’s arguments just to get your way.  Try this.  It works.

This is a great way to not only resolve conflict in a positive manner, it helps strengthen your relationship.  Conflict often leads to a deterioration of relationships.  This approach is a no-brainer.  First, you resolve conflict positively.  Second, you strengthen your relationship with your boss.  Third, you improve your chances of becoming a life and career success.

When you come together with the people with whom you disagree by identifying some small point on which you agree, you are putting yourself in the position to begin building a resolution to the conflict – one that is likely better than either side’s opening position.  And, by working together, you’ll be strengthening your relationship.  This will facilitate even more effective conflict resolution down the road.  Look for common ground.  When you find it, build on it.  You’ll find that this is a great way to resolve conflict in a manner that enhances your relationship with your boss.

There are two career success coach points for dealing with a difficult boss here.  Both are common sense.  First, take responsibility for yourself.  Tell your boss how you feel.  Don’t let him or her do things that make your life unpleasant.  Second, stand up for yourself in an assertive, non-aggressive way.  Follow the career advice in Tweet 133 in Success Tweets.  “Resolve conflict positively.  Treat conflict as an opportunity to strengthen, not destroy, the relationships you’ve worked hard to build.”  Conflict can destroy relationships – and it can strengthen them.  When you find yourself in conflict with another person – especially our boss — choose to see it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with him or her.  The career advice here is simple.  Resolve conflict with your boss by acting in a positive, proactive and assertive manner.

That’s my career advice on learning to love the boss you hate. What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  I’m especially interested in hearing stories from people who have successfully built a strong relationship with a difficult boss.  As always, thanks for reading my daily thoughts on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb.

I send a career success quote to my subscribers every day.  If you would like to begin receiving these quotes, go to http://www.BudBilanich.com and enter your name and email address just below the image of Succcess Tweets.  It’s that easy.  Yesterday, the quote was from Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher…

“Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

This quote reminded me of an article I read in last Sunday’s New York Times Jobs section called “Building a Bridge to a Lonely Colleague.”  In part it said, “Loneliness reduces an employee’s productivity…because it results in increased hostility, negativity, depressed mood, increased anxiety, lack of perceived control and decreased cooperativeness.”  Wow!  That’s the bad news.

According to the artilce, the good news is “helping a colleague our of loneliness may involve such simple steps as taking time for a chat, asking for input on a project, or offering an invitation to coffee or lunch.”  In other words, being kind can help both you and a lonely colleague.  These are great ideas.  They can help you create meaningful relationships with people at work who you might overlook at first.

Tweet 127 in my career advice book Success Tweets says, “Pay it forward.  Build relationships by giving with no expectation of return.  Give of yourself to build strong relationships.”  Engaging colleagues who are isolated or may seem lonely is one way to pay it forward.

This tweet reminds me of an inspirational movie I sent to my subscribers a while back.  It’s called the 100-0 principle.  The principle is simple.  The best way to build solid relationships is to take 100% responsibility for them.

In 2009 I participated in a writing project with my colleagues at the Creating WE Institute.  We published a little book called, 42 Rules for Creating WE. The rules were short essays that contained a lot of great career advice.  I contributed three rules.  One was called, “There is No Quid Pro Quo in WE.”  This rule goes directly to the idea of paying it forward described in Tweet 127.  I’d like to share the career advice in this essay – with a few minor edits – with you here.

WE is built on relationships; the idea that we are all connected, and that through a WE-centric, rather than a traditional I-centric approach, our collective wisdom grows and evolves.  This kind of thinking creates stronger organizations and societies.  It fosters mutual shared respect for the unique contribution every person is capable of making.  Solid, lasting, mutually beneficial relationships are at the core of WE.  Giving with no expectation of return is a great way to create these types of relationships.

This is a quid pro quo world: you do for me and I’ll do for you.  While there is nothing wrong in reciprocating a good deed or a favor, there is a fundamental problem with quid pro quo.  It is reactive not proactive.  Too many people wait for others to go first.  They adopt the attitude, “When and if you do for me, I’ll do for you.”  This scarcity mentality is not conducive to creating WE, or building strong relationships.  When you come from a scarcity mentality, you focus on holding on to what you already have.  This can prevent you from receiving what you might possibly get.

On the other hand, giving with no expectation of return comes from a proactive abundance mentality.  When you give with no expectation of return, you are acknowledging the abundance of the universe.  You are demonstrating faith that the good you do will benefit others close to you and the world at large – and that good things will come back to you.

Giving with no expectation of return is ironic.  I have found that the more I give, the more I receive; often from unlikely sources.  But that’s not my reason for giving – and I hope it is not yours.  The best reason for giving is the basic joy of making a difference in other people’s lives and in creating a WE-centric world.

I love the Liberty Mutual Insurance “responsibility” ads.  They are a very visual demonstration of the ideas behind creating WE – especially giving with no expectation of return.  You’ve probably seen them.

They begin with someone going a little out of his or her way to do something that benefits others; picking up a piece of trash, opening a door for another person who’s hands are full.  Another person observes this and goes out of his or her way for someone else.  The cycle repeats several times during the ad.  The message is clear.  We are all better off when we help each other.

In the end, giving with no expectation of return comes down to your mentality – scarcity or abundance.  If you come from a scarcity mentality, you will live by quid pro quo, and perpetuate the I-centric status quo.  If you come from an abundance mentality, you will give with no expectation of return and begin to create a WE-centric world and create the kind of strong, mutually beneficial relationships that will help you create the life and career success you want and deserve.

I choose abundance and paying it forward.  I agree with Winston Churchill, who once said, “We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.”  When you give with no expectation of return you will get a good life.  You’ll also get a better world; one in which we all look out for one another.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people are adept at building strong relationships.  They understand and use the career advice in Tweet 127 in Success Tweets.  “Pay it forward.  Build relationships by giving with no expectation of return.  Give of yourself to build strong relationships.”  Reaching out to lonely or isolated colleagues is one way of paying it forward — and is the opposite of quid pro quo.  When you go first – reach out to someone or give of yourself to help someone else, with no expectations of return – you are laying the foundation for a successful relationship.  When you wait for people to reach out to you, or to reciprocate a good deed by another person, you are engaging in quid pro quo behavior that usually results in lost relationship opportunities.  Do yourself a favor, follow this career advice when it comes to relationship building – pay it forward.  You’ll be helping yourself – and others around you.

That’s my career advice on building a bridge to a lonely colleague.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb.

Requests to do a guest post for this career success blog are very gratifying to me.  They mean that somebody is paying attention to what I have to say and thinks that others are too.  The other day I received an offer from the folks at www.college.com to do a guest post. I suggested that they write about how to make a good first impression when starting a new job.  Here’s what they have to say…

How to Make a Good First Impression in a New Job

When you are starting a new job, you have a new chance to make a first impression. The way in which you begin your job will have a major impact not only in how management views you, but also in how well you are able to get along with your co-workers and make an impression in your department.

You want to portray yourself as a consummate professional, someone capable of doing the job who is skilled enough to excel. You also want to portray yourself as a team player, someone who will get along with and work well with co-workers and as someone who is just an all-around good worker to have on staff. Doing all of this can be a challenge, but there are a few key tips to keep in mind that can help you to make a killer first impression.

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare

One of the best things you can do to make a good first impression is to be prepared. When you went for the interview, you should have paid attention to what people were wearing. Dress in a similar style or maybe just a touch better. You don`t want to come to a casual office in a formal business suit, but you also don`t want to show up in jeans either. You should fit in with your co-workers and peers, but regardless of what they wear, you should also make sure that you look clean, tidy, put together and on top of things.

You may also wish to try to learn as much as you can about the job you will be doing, the company you will be working for and the people you will be working with. Almost all companies today have websites and, in many cases, there are employee reviews or even blogs about working at the company. Perusing these sources can help make sure you are informed and can go in ready to hit the ground running.

Pay Attention to Corporate Culture

When you start work, it is up to you to fit into the corporate culture and find your place within the organizational structure. While it is okay to try to set yourself apart, which is, in fact, a good thing to do, it is not a good idea to be at odds with the way the corporation works or to make an enemy of your coworkers.

At least at the beginning, you should try to find things in common with your coworkers to form relationships with both your peers and with those working above you. This means paying attention to the way they work and interact so you can model your behavior on their actions.

Come on Time

When you come to your first day of work, it is essential to be on time. You also want to avoid long lunches or leaving early. You want to show that you are grateful for getting the job, dedicated and responsible.

Do Your Work Well, But Start Slow

You always want to do amazing work that wows your bosses, but you also need to start slow and take the time to learn what is expected of you and what your role will be. Observe, watch how others work and how your boss behaves towards you and take the time to learn how your boss wants things done.

No one likes a new person who comes in suggesting a bunch of changes or who seems to think their way of doing something is better than the established routine. If your way is better, there will be plenty of time to convince your boss and coworkers after they get to know you.

Whether you are fresh out of college or have been working for years, these tips will help you succeed, become a great employee that every boss will love and move you towward the life and career success you want and deserve.

That’s some great career advice on making a good first impression when you start a new job from my friends at college.com.  I think they are right on.  Much of this advice is echoed in my career success books like Success Tweets.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading these daily thoughts on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: To enhance my work as a career success coach, I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb/

Tweet 115 in my career success book Success Tweets says, “Become an excellent presenter.  Careers have been made on the strength of one or two great presentations.”  This is true.  And here’s some more great career advice.  Stories are the best way to make your presentations come alive.  Stories are a powerful way to communicate. We all learn through stories. If you learn how to use stories effectively, you will become a great presenter – and get on the fast track to the career success you want and deserve.

I’ve come up with a simple three-step formula that anyone can use to create powerful stories that will help you make your point.

1. Identify your truth – something that in your heart of hearts you know to be “true.”
2. Think of the critical experiences you’ve had that have led you to this “truth.”
3. Shape those experiences into a story that you can tell at the drop of a hat.

Here’s an example of how I have used this formula. It’s a real story I often tell – especially when I am doing a talk on the importance of putting yourself in another person’s shoes.

“One of the things that I know to be true is that if I am going to be a good communicator, I must meet other people where they are, not where I would like them to be. Let me tell you how I know this.

“Several years ago, I had an assignment to conduct a team-building session for a manufacturing plant manager and his staff. The client was a friend of mine. I knew him well.

“I arrived at his office about 5:00 the afternoon of the day before our session. He said, “Do you have an agenda for tomorrow’s meeting?”

“I said, “Well, first we’ll do A, then B, followed by C. We’ll finish up with D.”

“He said, “Do you have an agenda?”

“At first, I thought he hadn’t been listening to what I just said, so I repeated myself: “First we’ll do A, then B, followed by C. We’ll finish up with D.”

“He said, “Yes, I know. That’s what you just said. Do you have an agenda?”

“At that point, it dawned on me that he was looking for a printed agenda. I said ‘No, but we really don’t need one. I’ve done a lot of meetings like this. It will go fine.’

“He said, ‘I’m not comfortable winging it.’  So we created an agenda using PowerPoint.

“The next day, the meeting went off without a hitch. We followed the agenda that I had in my head and he had on the PowerPoint slide. Everyone agreed that it was one of the best meetings of this type that they had ever attended.

“As we were debriefing I asked my client what he thought of the meeting.

“He said, ‘It was a great meeting, but I think we were lucky because we were winging it.’

“That frustrated me. I wasn’t winging it.  I had carefully mapped out the meeting in my head.  I knew what I wanted to accomplish and how I wanted to accomplish it.  I didn’t say anything to the client at that point because I didn’t want to damage my relationship with him.

“On the flight home, I thought about what happened. He thought we were winging it, and I thought we were following a well thought-out plan. The difference – he needs more structure than me. The piece of paper with the agenda was very important to him and his sense of order. To me, the paper wasn’t necessary, because I knew in my head what to do and how to do it.

“It became clear to me that if I want to influence not just this client, but anyone, I need to adapt my communication style to theirs.  From that day on, I modify my communication style to meet the needs of the other person.  I realized that I want to be influential, I need to adapt my communication style to others, not expect them to adapt their style to mine.

“This was a valuable lesson for me.  By adapting my style, I become more influential and powerful.  It may seem as if I’m yielding, when in fact, I’m taking charge of the situation,”

The story above illustrates how you can use my 1 – 2 – 3 formula to construct a story that you can use to make a point.  First, identify your truth – something that in your heart of hearts you know to be “true.”  Second, think of the critical experiences you’ve had that have led you to this “truth.”  Third, shape those experiences into a story that you can tell at the drop of a hat.

In this case, here’s what I know to be true – effective communicators adapt their communication style to their audience.  I know this to be true because of the incident I described above (as well as several other experiences I’ve had in my career).  I can tell this story any time I want to make a point about the importance of adapting your communication style to your audience.

The next time you are asked to do a talk, use this formula to illustrate the main point you want to make.  You’ll do a great talk and but yourself on the fast track to the career success you deserve.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people are great presenters.  As Tweet 115 in Success Tweets says, “Become an excellent presenter.  Careers have been made on the strength of one or two great presentations.”  Stories make presentations come alive.  They are not difficult to create.  Follow my 1 – 2 – 3 formula for creating and telling great stories.  First, identify your truth – something that in your heart of hearts you know to be “true.”  Second, think of the critical experiences you’ve had that have led you to this “truth.”  Third, shape those experiences into a story that you can tell at the drop of a hat.

That’s my career advice on how to create the stories that will brand you as a great presenter.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb.

You have to be in reasonable shape if you want to become the life and career success you deserve to be.  A reasonable level of fitness will help you deal with the inevitable stress that accompanies creating a successful life and career.  Diet and exercise are the key to living a healthy lifestyle.  You don’t have to be a fitness fanatic, but you do need to get some exercise and pay attention to what you eat.

I’m not the best role model when it comes to a healthy lifestyle.  I’ve battled weight my entire life.  However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more serious about living a healthy lifestyle.  I exercise more and pay attention to what I eat.

I have found that the US government revised food pyramid provides great guidance on how to eat healthy.  Here are some of the highlights.  I try to follow these guidelines.  If you follow them, you will be doing well from a nutrition standpoint.

Eat at least three ounces of whole grain bread, cereals, crackers, rice or pasta every day.  Look for the word “whole” before the grain name on the list of ingredients.

Eat lots of vegetables every day.  I’m lucky here.  I love vegetables – even brussels sprouts.  Dark green and orange vegetables are the best for you.  Dry beans and peas are also good for you.

Fruits are also good for you.  Raw fruit is the best.  On the other hand, it’s best to limit your intake of fruit juice.  It’s often very high in calories and sugar.

Milk is a great source of calcium – something we all need for strong bones.  However, whole milk is very high in fat, so it’s best to drink low-fat or fat free milk.  Yogurt and cheese are also good sources of calcium.

Eat protein (meat, fish and poultry) is small quantities.  Bake, broil or grill – don’t fry – your protein.

The Mayo clinic suggests eating at least three fruits, four vegetables, four to eight servings of grains and pasta, three to seven servings of protein or dairy, three to five servings of fat and no more than 75 calories of sugar a day.

In general, you can eat healthy by eating more fruits, vegetables and whole grains.  Reduce your intake of saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol.  Limit sweets and salt.  Drink alcoholic beverages in moderation, if at all.  Control portion sizes and the total number of calories you consume.

Exercise is the other important component of a healthy lifestyle.  It’s best if you can exercise for at least 30 minutes five times a week.  Fitness experts suggest that of the 30 minutes 20 should be spent in some form of cardio exercise, five in stretching and five in resistance training.

I find that it’s best to choose a time to exercise and build your daily schedule around it.  Some people like first thing in the morning.  Others like the evening.  I prefer mid-day.  I find that if I exercise around noon, I am less hungry and consume fewer calories at lunch.

Hydration and circulation are important too.  Drink plenty of water.  It keeps you hydrated and helps combat hunger.  If you spent a lot of time at your desk, take a few minutes every hour to get up and stretch.  You can do leg lifts and stomach squeezes at your desk.  A little bit of activity can give you a burst of oxygen that will energize you and keep you feeling good.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  While good performance is not enough to guarantee your life and career success, it is a necessary component of your success plan.  A healthy lifestyle will make it easier for you to become a top performer.  You don’t have to become a fitness fanatic to be a high performer.  However, eating well and exercising will keep you sharp and on top of your game.  It will keep your stress in check.  And while a little stress is a good thing, too much stress can knock you out of the game.

That’s my career advice on the importance of living a healthy lifestyle.  What do you think?  What are your tricks for staying in shape?  Please share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily thoughts on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb/

I always enjoy books that make you think.  Advice My Parents Gave Me and Other Lessons I Learned from My Mistakes by Rodolfo Costa is one of those kinds of books.  It is filled with valuable life and career success wisdom distilled into bite sized chunks.  The wisdom inside can accelerate your progres toward your life and career success.

Rodolfo describes the book as “409 thoughts, quotes, lessons, ideas, suggestions, reminders, words of advice and encouragement to lead a successful, rewarding, peaceful, happy and fulfilling life.”  And he is right on.  The 409 snippets in this book will make you think.

I send a motivational quote to my subscribers every day.  If you’re not receiving these quotes you can go to http://www.BudBilanich.com and sign up in the space immediately below the image of my career advice book, Success Tweets.  I preface each quote with the words: “THINK, ACT, SUCCEED.”

As much as I believe that it’s important to read inspirational advice, I think it’s more important to think about what you read and to ask yourself, “How does this apply to me?”  Then it’s important to take action – to do something with what you read.

Let me sum up.  There are three easy things that you can do every day to help speed you along in your career success journey…

1. Read – anything that can help you create your career success.
2. Think – about how you can apply the lessons of what you’ve read in your life.
3. Act – do something.  Change a behavior, create a new habit.

If you do these three things consistently, you can’t help but succeed.  Advice My Parents Gave Me and Other Lessons I Learned from My Mistakes is a great source of life and career success advice.  If you read, think about and act on only one of the bits of wisdom per day, you’ll have over a year’s worth of lessons to apply in your life.

Rodolfo divides the book into 16 sections…

1. Positive Attitude and Optimism
2. Responsibility and Inspiration
3. Goals and Motivation
4. Action Persistence and Success
5. Self-Doubt, Fear and Criticism
6. Positive Thinking and Communication
7. Positive Self Esteem and Good Manners
8. Learning and Understanding
9. Money
10. Planning: Pat, Present and Future
11. Laughing and Taking it Easy
12. Love and Relationships
13. Children
14. Forgiveness and Acceptance
15. Happiness and Awareness
16. Gratitude and Getting Older

Here are 10 of my favorite pieces of advice in Advice My Parents Gave me and Other Lessons I Learned from My Mistakes….

• Life is wonderful.  Life is horrible.  Life is fabulous.  Life is terrible.  Life is great.  Life is awful.  Life is challenging. Life is a piece of cake.  Life is unfair.  Life is beautiful.  Life is ugly.  Life is tough.  Life is easy.  In reality, life is whatever you make it.
• Remember the word “failure” is just a state of mind.  Approach it with a positive attitude and you will notice that failure can become a learning experience toward your success.
• Always keep your promises and honor your commitments.  Give your word and carry it through – even if it is difficult, expensive or inconvenient.
• Visualize yourself as the person you want to be, act like the person you want to be, and strive to become the person you want to become.
• Establish goals for yourself, no matter how big, crazy or unattainable they may see.  Who are you not to achieve them and be successful?  Who are you not to be the person you want to be?  Believe in yourself.
• It may take a little time to get where you want to be, but if you pause and think for a moment, you will notice that you are no longer where you were.  Don’t stop – keep going.
• Don’t be embarrassed to say “I don’t know.”  It’s amazing how much you can learn just by admitting that.
• Keep your mind open.  Let your thoughts wander and allow your brain and subconscious mind point you in the direction of the answer you are seeking.
• Honesty, sincerity, respect, integrity and reliability built trust and hold relationships together.
• Erase the word “someday” from your vocabulary.  Don’t save things for special occasions.  Every day is special.  Every day is a gift that we must appreciate and be thankful for.  Wear your attractive clothes, and your nice perfume.  Use your fine silverware and dishes.  Drink from your expensive crystal glasses – just because.  Live every day to the fullest and savor every minute of every day.

These are my favorites.  There are 399 more bits of common sense life and career success advice inside the pages of Advice My Parents Gave Me and Other Lessions I Learned from My Mistakes.

The career success coach point here is simple common sense.  Successful people seek out inspiration and life and career success advice.  One of the best ways to do this is to read books like Rodolfo Costa’s Advice My Parents Gave Me and Other Lessons I Learned From my Mistakes.  Once you find inspiration or advice take some time to think.  Figure out how that inspiration and advice applies to you.  Then do something.  Take positive action to help you move toward your life and career success.

That’s the career advice I take from Rodofo Costa’s book.  What do you think?  Please take a few minutes to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb

Yesterday I did the keynote address at the Childcare Network annual Director’s conference.  I’m not an expert in pre-schools, so I visited a Childcare Network school on Wednesday to get a better understanding of what their School Directors do every day.  I was glad I did!  The Childcare Network schools are amazing places that prepare kids for kindergarten.  I enjoyed my visit so much that I didn’t want to leave.

My blog post yesterday was on the importance of thinking before you speak – especially when you are in a conflict situation.  Among many other things the Childcare Network teaches young children how to manage conflict.  They use a hand as their model.  Posters depicting the hand were prominently displayed in every classroom.

Here is the Childcare Network’s approach to helping children learn how to manage conflict…

1. Thumb.  Cool down. The teacher gets each child to sit down, breathe deep and get calm enough to discuss the problem.
2. Index Finger – Discuss and agree on the problem. The teacher asks for both version of what happened and explains what doesn’t work – like hitting or fighting.  The teacher then guides the kids to figure out what they can do differently.
3. Middle Finger – Brainstorm solutions everybody can live with. The teacher asks the kids to come up with idea on fixing the problem they are having.
4. Ring Finger – Select the solution that seems reasonable to all. The teacher tries to use the kids’ ideas, but offers suggestions if the kids can’t or won’t come up with any ideas.
5. Pinkie – Try it out. The teacher asks the kids to put the ideas into practice, and watch as they do.  The teacher gives positive reinforcement to kids who are able to put the solution to work and gives guidance on how to do so when they are struggling to do so.

Childcare Network teachers report that when they use this conflict management style, the kids get back together after the conflict “as if nothing ever happened.”

In the material they provide parents they say…

“Punishing a child for having a conflict and then telling them to apologize is not the right way to create lasting learning experiences.  Nor is it a good way to create lasting learning experiences that will help children deal with conflict as they get older.”

I teach the same method of conflict resolution to my career success coaching clients…

• Calm down.
• Agree on the problem.
• Brainstorm solutions.
• Pick one.
• Put it into play.

Conflict resolution is a life skill that is important for career success.  Tweet 133 in my career advice book Success Tweets says, “Resolve conflict positively.  Treat conflict as an opportunity to strengthen, not destroy, the relationships you’ve worked hard to build.”

Successful people resolve conflict in a positive manner.  No matter how interpersonally competent, or how easy-going you are, you will inevitably find yourself in conflict.  People will not always agree with you, and you will not always agree with others.

I know a little bit about conflict resolution.  It was the topic of my dissertation at Harvard.  Way back in the 1970’s, Ken Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed an instrument to measure a person’s tendencies when in a conflict situation.

They came up with five predominant conflict styles:

• Competing
• Collaborating
• Compromising
• Accommodating
• Avoiding.

Their research suggests that all five are appropriate depending on the situation.

As a career success coach however, I have found that the Collaborating style is the best default mode.  When you collaborate with others to resolve conflict, you focus on meeting both your needs and the needs of the other person.  I like this style because it helps you bring together a variety of viewpoints to get the best solution.

The Childcare Network conflict resolution model is based on collaboration.  It gets the kids to focus on the problem behind the conflict and to jointly come up with a solution that works well for both of them.

When you collaborate, neither person is likely to feel as if he or she won or lost.  Also, collaborating with the person or persons with whom you are in conflict creates the opportunity for you to work together to build a solution that best addresses everyone’s concerns.

Successful people are adept at resolving conflict in a positive manner.  Collaboration is the best choice of the five most common handling styles.  When you collaborate with others – especially those with whom you are in conflict – you not only are likely to resolve your conflict in a positive manner, you will strengthen your relationship with the other person.  It’s a win-win.

When I work collaboratively with someone, I focus on our similarities, not our differences.  This creates a bond that not only helps us get through our conflict, but helps us strengthen our relationship, and strong relationships lead to career success.

One of my favorite methods for dealing with conflict in a collaborative manner is counter-intuitive.  By definition, conflict is a state of disagreement.  When I’m in conflict with someone, however, instead of focusing on where we disagree, I focus on where we agree.

This is a great way to not only resolve conflict positively, it helps strengthen relationships.  And, as we all know, conflict often leads to a deterioration of relationships.  To me this approach is a no-brainer.  First, you get to resolve conflict positively.  Second, you strengthen your relationships.  Third, you improve your chances of becoming a life and career success.

I look for any small point of agreement and then try to build on it.  I find that it is easier to reach a larger agreement when I build from a point of small agreement, rather than attempting to tear down the other person’s points with which I don’t agree.

Most people don’t do this.  They get caught up in proving their point.  They hold on to it more strongly when someone else attacks it.  If you turn around the discussion and say, “Let’s focus where we agree, and see if we can build something from there,” you are making the situation less personal.  Now the two of you are working together to figure out a mutually agreeable solution to your disagreement.  You’re not tearing down one another’s arguments just to get your way.  Try this.  It works.

You want to be assertive, not aggressive in resolving conflict.  Here’s a true story.  It happened several years ago on Frontier flight 862, Denver to Phoenix.  I got on late because I was on standby for an earlier flight.  I have a middle seat, 14B.  When I arrive at row 14, there are women sitting in seats A and C.  I say hello, stow my bags, and get into my seat.

The woman in 14A smiles at me, looks at the book I have in my hand, and says, “That looks like an interesting book.”  I’m reading Laura Lowell’s book, 42 rules of Marketing.  We chat a minute about the book and then lapse into some general conversation.

Her name is Cheryl Munsey, and as it turns out, Cheryl and I know a few people in common.  And she’s very personable.  We chat the whole time the plane is taxiing and through take-off.

As soon as the plane is in the air, the woman in 14C rings the flight attendant call button.  The flight attendant comes on the loudspeaker and says, “We are still in our ascent.  Will the person who rang his or her call button turn it off until we reach our cruising altitude?  Leave it on only if it’s a real emergency.”

14C leaves the light on.  I’m worried that she might be ill.  The flight attendant struggles down the aisle.  When she arrives at our row, 14C says, “I need a pair of headphones.  These people are talking too much and driving me crazy.”  As she is saying this, she is removing ear plugs.

I feel bad.  I tend to speak softly in crowded, enclosed places like airplanes and was surprised that our conversation was annoying her – especially when she was wearing ear plugs.  I say to 14C, “I apologize if we were annoying you.  I didn’t realize we were speaking so loudly.”  She says, “I was trying to sleep,” and puts on the headphones that she got from the flight attendant.

Not a minute later, she rings the call button again.  When the flight attendant comes back, she says, “I need another pair.  These earphones aren’t drowning out these people.”  I thought this was kind of peculiar, as Cheryl and I were stunned by what happened and really hadn’t said anything since her original comment that we were speaking too loudly.

All of this should just go into one of those irritating, bizarre moments in life files and be forgotten.  However, it makes a point about personal responsibility, interpersonal competence and life and career success.

The woman in 14C never told Cheryl and me that we were disturbing her sleep.  Instead, she chose to complain to the flight attendant about our conversation.  It came across to both Cheryl and me as a pretty hostile gesture.  We both wondered why she just didn’t ask us to speak more softly.  That’s what an interpersonally competent person would have done.  That’s what someone who was taking responsibility for herself and her needs would have done.

It’s called being assertive.  Assertive people stand up for their rights, but do it in such a way as not to offend other people.  Passive people let others trample on them and don’t stand up for their rights.  Aggressive people get what they want, but at the expense of others.  In this case, 14C was being aggressive.  As I think back on that rather bizarre episode, I wish that Ms. 14 C had the benefit of attending a Childcare Network school when she was a child.

There are two career success coach points here.  Both are simple common sense.  First, take responsibility for yourself.  Tell people how you feel.  Don’t let others do things that make your life unpleasant.  Second, stand up for yourself and resolve conflict in an assertive, non-aggressive, collaborative manner.  Follow the career advice in Tweet 133 in Success Tweets.  “Resolve conflict positively.  Treat conflict as an opportunity to strengthen, not destroy, the relationships you’ve worked hard to build.”  Conflict can destroy relationships – and it can strengthen them.  When you find yourself in conflict with another person, choose to see it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them.  Collaborate with them to solve your joint problem.  In this way, you’ll resolve conflict positively and strengthen the relationships that are key to your life and career success.

That’s my career advice on conflict resolution – and that of the Childcare Network as well.  What do you think?  Please take a minute to share your thoughts with us in a comment.  As always, thanks for reading my daily musings on life and career success.  I value you and I appreciate you.

Bud

PS: If you haven’t already done so, please download a free copy of my popular career advice book Success Tweets and its companion piece Success Tweets Explained.  The first gives you 140 bits of career success advice tweet style — in 140 characters or less.  The second is a whopping 390 + pages of career advice explaining each of the common sense tweets in Success Tweets in detail.  Go to http://budurl.com/STExp to claim your free copy.  You’ll also start receiving my daily life and career success quotes.

PPS: I opened a membership site last September.  It’s called My Corporate Climb and is devoted to helping people create career success inside large corporations.  You can find out about the membership site by going to http://www.mycorporateclimb